The Scourge of the Island - Rewritten and Reloaded
by Vianerd
Summary: After his infamous bad fur day, Conker the Squirrel is lonely and depressed. With more luck than knowledge, he manages to keep his kingdom running for a decade. But on one faithful day, he gets involved in a conflict he never expected to happen, meets old friends (and an enemy) and must learn to let go of the past. Rated T for profanity, violence, alcohol, and sexual references.
1. Foreword and Prologue

_The past can haunt you, follow you behind like a shadow of the things you didn't mean to do. Sooner or later we must learn to let it all go and move on._

Let's run down some stuff first.

For those who are unaware, _Scourge of the Island_ (sometimes also known as _Siege of the Island_) was my first fully completed, full-length fan fiction story in the history of ever. It told the tale of Conker, who, after a vague period of time, returns to Timber's Island to help the islanders fight against a possessed-by-Wizpig Honker (that obscure little character from _Conker's Pocket Tales_), and eventually winds up back at his castle with Berri back to life without him having learnt anything.

Honestly, Conker and Banjo reuniting with their old racing buddies after their own adventures sounds cool in theory, but, looking back at what I wrote, it could've been done so much better.  
So this is basically a massive overhaul of the original story I wrote, with more added morals, characterization, and backstory. I'm not using the original story as a reference, and am going from memory, adding and/or removing things as I see fit – which is for the better. So this is basically _Scourge of the Island; Live and Reloaded_. Uh, without the live part. And Conker doesn't wear pants either.  
It should be fun to mention that it's the longest story, fan fiction or otherwise, I've ever written. It's even longer than my personal story which I wanna publish once… oh well. And then to think that only took me around a month.

Most of all though, this is dedicated to my wonderful boyfriend. The story I wrote, the original _Scourge of the Island_ – well, it was mostly our shared interest in Conker, Banjo-Kazooie and Rare, actually – was what brought us together, and he inspired me to rewrite this story in the first place.  
He's the Rigby to my Mordecai, the Conker to my Pipsy, the best Banjo I could imagine and just an all-around sweetheart. He also helps me out with the story this time, mostly in dialogue and thinking up scenarios alongside me, in the shared white-blue light of our Skype calls.  
Cheers, my love!

That said, let's get down to business. (Fun fact – the prologue is heavily based on the original ending of Conker's Bad Fur Day, with, of course, a few obvious changes. The more you know!) 

* * *

**Prologue**

It was late, around four in the morning. After going to his local bar and indulging in as much alcohol as he could get – and with his recently acquired fortune, that was a lot – Conker was going back home. At least, he planned to. Instead, he stumbled over to the toilets, his tail drooping down limply. His vision swam and wobbled before him, all colours in the quiet bar and everything around him merged together, and he couldn't make out anything for a few sickening minutes. When he opened the door, he saw the row of sinks and the mirror and knew he took a wrong turn. Shivering, not so much because of the cold, but more so that he was feeling most unwell at this point, he waddled to the most nearby mirror and leaned on the sink in front of it.  
Seeing his reflection was too much for him as soon as his vision stopped dancing around, and he burst into tears. Silent tears, for there was nobody around to hear him, anyway. But a painful lump in his throat was the incentive for him to weep openly anyway. Nobody heard him, except maybe the bartender, who tried to ignore it. Conker didn't care.  
Seeing that crown on his head in the mirror filled him with resent and despair – it wasn't him. What had ever happened to that bright young squirrel, who was always ready to help out anyone?  
_Ting._  
A light-bulb appeared over Conker's head. Context sensitive. Now what would the context be…  
Out of hammerspace, he pulled a gun, loaded with a single bullet.  
He gritted his teeth and leant down on the sink, facing downwards and feeling horribly sick in his stomach, as if he was about to throw up. But he didn't. And having to throw up but not being able to is just about the worst feeling he could imagine. It all added up to his already bad mood.  
_Look at me now_, he thought. _King of all the land, with a dead girlfriend.  
_Money could buy everything, that's what everyone always said. But not happiness. Or bringing his girlfriend back to life. He could use medication to get to sleep, but the nightmares of the things he'd witnessed – the war he was in, Berri's death, all the other deaths he saw happen and couldn't do anything about, Berri, all those squirrels who died trying to save their country, now _his_ country, Berri, Berri… it would probably plague him for the rest of his life. Worse still, was being aware of the fact that he had his chance to bring her back, and he blew it. And only now, he realized they never really acted like that lovey-dovey couple they hoped they'd become eventually in their carefree, childhood days.  
All that was on his mind at this point was self-pity, guilt, and angst.  
_Maybe I'd be better off dead._  
And that gun definitely didn't come out of thin air, either. Figuratively speaking, of course.  
He pulled it up, pointing the barrel at his head, and swallowed. Still seeing himself with that big crown in the mirror, tears in his bloodshot eyes. Still filled with all the regret, from that one adventure he didn't want to go on.  
He couldn't take his eyes off his reflection. His hand trembled, but his index finger was steady on the trigger. He could pull it and end it right now. He was on his last life. No more extra chances. End of the road, he'd finally have closure.  
The depressed red squirrel desperately wanted to pull the trigger, but somehow it was a bridge too far for him. It would be so simple, but it was as if some invisible force kept him from doing it. He swallowed again, collected all his courage, and his hand stopped shaking.  
Closure.  
_I'm sorry, Berri. I'm sorry._  
Would he really have closure if he committed suicide? In a faint passing thought, he remembered his childhood. That happy, bright red squirrel he once was. It was so weird to imagine that this scraggly creature he saw in the mirror was that same squirrel. But it _was_. Somewhere deep down, he was still the same.  
In that same passing thought, he retraced his steps and thought clearly again.  
"What am I doing…?"  
He blinked once, twice. Something in his mind, that same something that told him 'do it' earlier, was now quiet, not even a whisper anymore. He pulled the gun away from his head, and dropped it to the floor with a clatter, before swerving down to the toilets' exit and trundling outside, blinking once more and trying his best to not topple over.  
"Ugh… doesn't look too good tonight."  
The heavy rainfall led the way, and the darkness enveloped him as he stumbled forward with his tail trailing behind him through the mud, but he felt that it was alright like this. For now.  
That feeling lasted for less than a moment, but Conker thought that, at least, he'd live to see another day.


	2. A Memory

**1. A memory**

_Ten years later_

There have been better days than this.  
The skies over Willow Woods were dark and gloomy, caused by the many rainclouds who seemed to wait with raining, as if they were conspiring to rain down upon someone to dampen their mood even more at a dreary day like this. There was a light breeze and the sun didn't manage to shine through the gathering rainclouds, and the seemingly endless plains looked sullen. Foreboding, almost.  
Just when the first few raindrops fell down on that oddly cheerful little yellow house under a massive willow tree, its door opened. Out stepped a scraggly, worn-out red squirrel, who quickly went back inside again to grab an umbrella before heading out. Propping up the collar of his blue vest to keep warm, he twitched his tail as he paced along, alone, and in solemn silence, under that protective umbrella, as if mourning the loss of a loved one.  
Little did anyone know, this was indeed the case. Just a few moments after the entire incident, he realized that the grass is always greener, and you never know what you have until it's gone. Would there be anyone around at that moment – and he felt definitely as if there was – they would've heard him, muttering at himself, glaring towards nothing with that empty, hollow stare and a glass of milk in his hand.  
He tried so hard to negotiate with the Grim Reaper whom he knew so well, but whenever he came across the guy, but he could not be swayed. No matter how hard he tried.  
"Dead is _dead_," Gregg would say every single time, "piss off and leave me at peace, you little prick! _You_ fucked up, it's not my fault! She ain't even worth it. There's plenty of fish in the sea – as long as they're not catfish. I hate those things. You gotta get your arse out of the past and into the present."  
The pint-sized Grim Reaper would then trundle off, supported by his scythe, muttering and grumbling about cats defecating all over his furniture. Conker would always just sigh and shake his head. He'd try it again, just to get the same answer each and every time, and honestly wasn't at all sure what to make of his comments.  
On that rainy day, Conker swerved off the dirt road, gazing over the willow trees with the memory of his deceased sweetheart suddenly fresh in his mind. He gritted his teeth, feeling sorry about himself, before picking up his pace. Maybe a good, long drink would make him forget about his worries… like it did so many days before this.  
In fact, at this point, he just thought that maybe his next evening would even be his last. He wouldn't care if it would. He wasn't feeling as bad as ten years ago, but it was still terrible enough. Sleeping was still as tough as it was on his first day as the King of all the land, no matter what kind of medication he used – all those memories of the things he had witnessed on his journey and the things he did and didn't do were still freshly imprinted in his mind, and they returned every other night in the form of terrible nightmares that did a great deal on messing up the poor squirrel's sleep schedule, because he'd rather stay up to avoid them.  
Suddenly, out of what appeared to be nowhere, a squawk sounded, followed by an erratic slew of garbled words, which snapped him right out of his wallowing. Unmistakeably the voice of a parrot.  
Peeking out from under his umbrella, the squirrel looked towards whence the sound came. "What the…"  
"You must be Conker," the green parrot interrupted, landing itself on his umbrella and fluffing up its feathers to rid itself of the raindrops that had fallen on him earlier. It popped its head out over the edge, tilting its head.  
"Yeah, the one and only," Conker muttered, unimpressed. He lowered his voice, rolling his eyes. "Thanks, captain obvious."  
In all honesty, it felt good to have someone address him by his normal name as opposed to 'my liege' or 'your majesty'. It brought a small glimmer of hope back into his heart… even if he did not notice it himself at all. But nonetheless, he definitely wasn't up for a chat at this point. Waggling his umbrella to and fro, he attempted to shake the bird off. "Oi, bugger off, will ya?"  
The bird wasn't about to just leave and remained on its place, flapping its wings to keep balance. "I… I got a message!" it squawked. "From Timber's Island!"  
Conker froze upon hearing that name. Timber's Island… it had been such a long time, but it was still so freshly imprinted in his mind as if it were yesterday. Until this bird brought it up, he had forgotten all about it. So many good times he had there, even if the situation at hand was rather severe. He met so many people there, some of whom would end up becoming his best friends he'd never see again.  
All of a sudden, he felt very alone. What had become of them? Maybe there was something bad happening. Nah. They could've just sent this bird for a little reunion of sorts… maybe race around a little again…  
The bird was beginning to lose its patience. "You in there, fuzzy?"  
"Ah, shove it," Conker waved his hand at the bird. "Spill the beans or take a hike, bird."  
The parrot fluttered down from the umbrella with a short screech that made Conker wince.  
"Timber orders you to come down to the island… but be careful."  
"He's givin' orders now? Heh…" Conker chuckled under his breath. "The guy couldn't tell left from right, for LOG's sake…"  
The bird continued. "Seriously. Bad stuff's happening and he's called all of you back to the island. Well, I'm gonna look for Diddy after this, if I still know the way to Kongo Bongo Island."  
Just hearing the name Diddy filled him with happy memories of his carefree youth, where racing around and playing games was the norm instead of going to the nearest bar to indulge in alcoholic beverages. "Alright, whatever, Squawks…"  
The bird uttered a confused chirp. "How'd you know my name?"  
"I do? Uh…"  
An awkward silence fell before Conker decided to change the subject.  
"Alright, that's nice and all, but bad stuff? I'm not sure if I wanna risk my tail getting shot off… again."  
Conker looked off into the distance with regret and guilt in his mind. It all seemed like a distant memory by now, more than anything. He shook it off, turning around to walk away from the pesky bird and not care about anything. Maybe if he just went to the nearest pub again, he would forget about this as well, only to feel guilty about it later on, to which he would again drown his sorrows with beer to forget about it once more…  
The bird shrugged. "I don't know… but they really appear like they all miss you, especially right now. Give it some more thought, that's all I'm saying."  
With those words, it stretched its wings and fluttered away over the trees, until it was but a small green speck in the sky, gradually fading away, along with the memories. Conker watched him flutter off, and as soon as it was out of sight, he shook his head and continued his path, the many thoughts still in his memory.  
But instead of swerving down the road that would lead him to the pub, he wandered the other way. He hadn't taken that path in many, many years.  
It was the road to Mako Islands.


	3. After so many years

**2. After so many years**

On the beach at Timber's Island, many miles away from the coast of the Isle o' Hags, two figures were walking along on the beach. Would Conker have been there too, he would have noticed just how much the entire place had changed. Instead of the bright white-yellow, the beach was coloured a drab shade of grey, similar to the sky with all the ominous rolling clouds up above. The ocean waves crashed against the lighthouse with a great force, which didn't do good for its appearance. Once a proud beacon against the azure sky, it seemed to have lost all of its splendour in all the years it had fallen into disrepair. Using it to fly to Future Fun Land was obviously no option at this point, and it seemed haunted somehow.  
The two earlier-mentioned figures were on patrol to see if anything was still safe, to check up on the lighthouse, to await the return of their carrier parrot, and to inspect the lighthouse. Everything seemed to go fine, and though the dreary weather and violently roaring sea would've begged to disagree, it could almost be called tranquil.  
"Hey, Tooty," one of the two began to the other. She was a short, chipper yellow mouse wearing an improvised sailor outfit, a red bow on her head, and she had a bright glimmer in her eyes that never seemed to fade. "You think they're coming?"  
"I wouldn't count on it, Pipsy. Banjo said he hadn't seen Diddy in more than ten years. And Conker, well, yeah… Conker… I don't even know the guy."  
"Oh," Pipsy muttered. She seemed a little disappointed. Conker was one of her best friends when she went to take part in the racing adventure, maybe a little more than that, and she was utterly heartbroken when he didn't show up the second time. She befriended Dixie and Tiny, but they couldn't replace Conker no matter how hard they tried, or so she thought. Maybe she was prejudiced, because she seemed to like that hyperactive red squirrel a little bit more than just 'as a friend' all those years ago, and she couldn't help but wonder what became of him.  
Looking off into the distance, over the endless sea, she noticed a single, screeching seagull flapping off, and sighed forlornly.  
"You okay there?" Tooty eventually asked, growing worried about her friend.  
"Eh? Yeah, I'm fine."  
"Alright, now. Let's get a move on and finish this before it gets dark. Well, darker…"  
And so, under a friendly, shared silence, the two made their way to the lighthouse. Just when Pipsy opened up the door and the two were about to go inside, a faint shuffling sounded, and came closer, eventually fading away behind a bunch of barnacled rocks.  
As if someone was following them.  
Tooty lingered at the door, her eyes darting from left to right. She fumbled with her blonde hair a little and chuckled awkwardly. "I don't know, don't look now... but I think we're being followed."  
Pipsy dismissed the notion as silly and judging from her friend's reaction, she figured that she thought that herself as well. Not looking back, she went inside the lighthouse. A whole bunch of buttons and levers were there in front of her, but they appeared as if they all had fallen into a state of disrepair. And yet it seemed as if someone had been there before…  
Just when she was about to give it a closer look, she heard a scream.  
Bolting outside at once, she noticed immediately what was up. At least, the various footprints and routed sand before her indicated a scuffle that had taken place, and it told her all she needed to know.  
Somehow, Tooty had managed to get herself kidnapped… again.  
As quickly as her legs could carry her, Pipsy ran back to tell the others.

Somehow, Conker had managed to get his furry hands on an oddly familiar motorboat, and he was lucky enough that the boat builder managed to recognize him, even after so many years. For once, he was happy about being a red squirrel in a society dominated by grey ones, and for a moment there, he tried to recall any more squirrels as red as he was but he couldn't think of any more than him, and his parents.  
Being lost in thought while speeding over the waves was never a good idea, and a loud 'thunk' noise snapped him right out of his thoughts. Must've hit a rock or something.  
As he looked into the distance, blinking into the sparse sunlight that peeked through the grey clouds, he could definitely make out an island in the near distance. The lighthouse told him all he needed to know – this was Timber's Island, alright. He was just a little worried, though – what had ever happened to it? Why was it all so dreary-looking? Where was everyone?  
With these questions and many more clouding his mind, he slowed down his boat and made it to the shore.

He hoped with all his heart that the main area, in that idyllic green valley, would be at least a bit more similar to his perfect memories of the place and his childhood friends.  
But it was not.  
It seemed all so desolate and sullen. The once so majestic, gold carving of the elephant genie's head in the walls of the valley looked as if it had seen better days. Similar to the lighthouse, it appeared as if it was fighting a losing battle against time. The many frogs that once hopped around and swum in the shallow waters were absent – they probably moved someplace else, or died. They didn't have much to stay for, anyhow. The waterfalls were now only trickles that seeped through the rocky walls with a snail's pace. Because of the lack of water, the trees, that were once so lush and rich around the valley, had shrivelled up and died, their empty husks lingering, resembling lost skeletons.  
"So this is it, huh?" Conker muttered to himself as he carefully took a few cautious steps towards the middle of the glade, once a grassy hill, now an empty wasteland devoid of life.  
He slipped his hands in the pockets of his vest, and shivered, fluffing up his tail a bit. Certainly, the elephant genie must've come out to greet him by now.  
But he didn't. Where was he?  
"Conker!"  
That definitely didn't sound like him. It was a different voice… of course, to be a bit more politically correct, Rare had changed his voice in the DS version of Diddy Kong Racing, but it didn't sound like that _other_ voice either. Not that Conker would know, since they cut him from the game, for obvious reasons.  
This voice had a higher pitch, and it sounded as if its owner was haughty and knew all too well what it is he was doing at all times. "…You're Conker, right? Can't be too sure these days…"  
As he turned around to look at whenever the voice came from, he felt a slight illness at seeing to whom it belonged. It was Drumstick, the rooster – who seemed so much like how he was all those years ago that it almost frightened Conker a little. "Yeah, that's me," he muttered, "and where did you even come from? Sheesh, I thought this was only a rewrite… what a hack."  
Drumstick was attempting to free himself from getting his feathers tangled up in a thorn bush, angrily grumbling to himself and casually dusting off his overalls afterwards. He took a few quick steps and ended up in front of Conker, towering over the short squirrel.  
"Ay, Bucky…" he muttered. "The years certainly didn't do you any good."  
"Eh… screw you too."  
"My! Where'd you pick up that kind of language?" Drumstick jolted backwards a little without moving his head, like chickens do so well. "And you're scruffier."  
"Don't you mean fatter?" Conker dryly remarked with a small grin, but the rooster didn't reply to his quip, which only worsened his mood at this point. "Seriously, man, what's up with this area? It's changed. It's… not how I remember it."  
Looking around the area for a moment, a shiver crept up his spine. It wasn't. It definitely wasn't.  
Drumstick turned his head around to look around as well, only to quickly resume glaring at his companion. "'Course it's not!" he spat. "You think we called you over just for sightseein' or something?"  
"Alright, alright, I get it, sheesh…" Folding back his ears in annoyance, Conker tried to look past the bird. "Er… say, where's everyone else?"  
"We're patrollin'," the chicken began, gesturing into the distance. "Strange things have been happenin' around the island, so we go out in pairs of two. Sometimes on a bike, which Bumper fabricated, he'd been working on makin' 'em ever since he got out of jail…"  
Conker wanted to ask just _why _Bumper was in jail in the first place, but thought it best to let Drumstick finish his story for now. He realized that there might be a lot of questions left unanswered on this adventure.  
"So, like, Banjo and Kazooie have the Dragon Forest, Pipsy and Tooty have the beach on the west side, and Krunch hangs around with Tiptup a lot in the other beach area… something about cold-bloodedness or somethin', but I'm sure I just saw 'em come back. Timber's usually orderin' us around. As for me, I just came back from Snowflake Mountain, myself. Bumper said he'd be fine on his own, and I believe him…"  
Apart from an occasional nod or 'hm, hmm', Conker wasn't listening. Instead, his mind wandered. Especially towards some of his slightly more special friends… like Pipsy. What happened to her? She was kinda cute, anyhow, if a bit clingy – and in Conker's fantasies, she had grown up to look like a porn star, twice as tall as himself, with breasts the size of watermelons. He merely grinned thinking about it, feeling only a slight bit guilty because of multiple reasons… and a bit itchy. Would she be anything like Berri?  
"…And that is why we never let Bumper drive anywhere anymore."  
Sheesh. Now he missed it anyway. But he quickly averted his grin when he noticed his companion's befuddled expression.  
"Er… yeah. About that… I really need to see Timber, or TT, or… whatever. Where are they?"  
Drumstick just gave a quick nod of his head towards the small cave entrance that was once hidden behind a waterfall, as an incentive to Conker to follow him, which he did as soon as the rooster made a run for it.  
"Say, buffalo wings," Conker said in between gasps – he had forgotten the last time he had ran like this – "you still the best racer 'round?"  
"Of course I am."  
"Ah, just checkin', heh heh…"  
His awkward chuckles in vain, Conker still didn't manage to break the ice. Drumstick seemed a bit cold and distant – he always had been quite a sourpuss, and with the current situation at hand, nobody could blame him, really.  
Conker just decided to keep his mouth shut for the rest of the journey, barring some offhand comments towards the writer.


	4. Reunited

**3. Reunited**

After being out in this part of the island again for so long, everyone ended up resenting the lack of proper, modern technology.  
Phone signals were poor, as well as television signals – and internet wasn't an option either. All they had to keep themselves busy were each other to chat with, some books, and games. Some more creative animals would find some paper to doodle on, or write little poems and stories to kill the time, but every day that they didn't get any further with their investigations, it seemed more and more like a waste of time.  
So many things had changed for the worse. The waterfalls somehow ran dry, the valley turned into a wasteland, and everything seemed so much less impressive ever since Taj wasn't around anymore. Someone had to put an end to all of this and restore the island to its former splendour – and who else than the original Timber's Island gang?  
"Hello? The story's about me, remember?"  
Of course, Conker. I apologize. Well then…  
After a short while, about ten minutes of alternating walking and running, the two had reached their destination. The main hideout where all the animals resided in was a spacious hut hidden in the trees, built on poles, on the edge of the Dragon Forest. It almost looked like a camp site, if it wasn't for the sober appearance of the hut. Maybe it looked a bit like a tree house, too.  
"Let's get this over with…" Conker stretched out his arms in front of him, cracking his knuckles – and attempted to climb up. It all looked very impressive before he actually tried to do anything. Whenever he tried to grab hold higher on the pole, he just slipped back again. He remembered being so much better at this in his young years.  
Meanwhile, Drumstick laughed at him with a laugh that sounding like loud clucking – for the first time. "Well, what are you trying to do now? We have a ladder for that, y'know!"  
He took a long stick and fumbled around on the floor of the hut with it – and off dropped an old, worn-out rope ladder.  
"And good luck with whatever it is you're trying to do, Bucky!" He laughed another time and flew up the ladder, just to tease him.  
"Look, if I told you once, bird brain, I told ya a thousand times – quit callin' me Bucky, you dumb shhh-…" Just when he was about to say that, he lost his grip and tumbled down backwards in a most unflattering fashion. Just lucky nobody saw that…  
Grumbling to himself, he dusted off himself and disdainfully used the same rope ladder to get in, and 'forgot' to pull it back in again, just to spite Drumstick.

It all seemed so peaceful – like someone's summer home. Though sparsely decorated, there seemed to be a certain security about this hut – or treehouse, it definitely was a bit like a treehouse – and another something he couldn't quite place that made him feel right at home. It looked, felt, and smelled so much like something from his youth. As if they saved all his memories from the island and safely stored them here.  
He still heard Drumstick in the main room, gloating about himself. The windbag. He decided to drop by to add his two cents to whoever he was talking to.  
That just so happened to be Timber, who was sitting on a large, comfortable leather chair. And the tiger's surprise was as big as the squirrel's upon seeing each other for the first time in over ten years.  
"Conker? 'S that you, man?"  
Timber was just like he remembered him from all those years ago – stocky, striped, and annoying. Just a little bit bigger… and furrier. And his voice got a whole lot deeper.  
The only difference in his attire was that he wore a leather jacket with long sleeves, and he wore his cap backwards in some poor attempt to look cool. Around his neck was some kind of gaudy medallion, which referred to his current role as a ruler.  
"Yeah, emotional reunion, I missed you too, blah, blah, blah," Conker rolled his eyes. He had never been on good terms with Timber, and he was certain that wouldn't have changed one bit. He felt eager to tell him and the rest about his current position as a king, though – mostly to gain some pity and respect. He couldn't stand it that Timber was here.  
But the tiger's reaction was oddly calm. "You look different."  
The red squirrel crossed his arms, uttering a derogatory 'tsk' noise which went accompanied by a quick jerk of his head. "So do you."  
"No, I mean… you don't look too good."  
"So do you."  
"…You smell like alcohol."  
"Er…"  
Timber shuffled around in his seat and cracked a weak grin. "Seriously though, all joking aside, I'm glad you could come. We really need all the help we can get."  
Conker wasn't impressed. He remained in the same pose, not about to act neighbourly. He distinctly remembered not being on good terms with this fellow at all. He thought he was a braggart. That, and he got in the way of him interacting with Pipsy, one of his few friends whenever he went to race on the island.  
Conker as a kid was friendly enough, but the lad didn't have many friends. His hyperactive behaviour, of which nothing appeared to be left these days, seemed to repel them from spending time with him. But he was helpful to nearly anyone, especially his friends, who were the only ones who seemed to appreciate it. The only ones he was good friends with were some guys who idolized him that he completely forgot about, Banjo, Pipsy, Berri…  
Berri.  
So much had changed. It seemed to have happened all so quickly – she went from an equally-as-helpful, playful little chipmunk to a blonde diva who just so happened to advertise her body quite well.  
And now she was gone. Never to come back again. Conker quickly averted his thoughts, trying to not think of her too much. It'd only make him upset again, and this time he had nothing to drain his sorrows with unless he happened to come across a conveniently-placed context sensitive-pad. He turned back to Timber. "Er… say, what happened to that elephant guy? And TT?"  
Timber shrugged. "Taj? He disappeared," he merely said. "Poof. Some time around when all the weird stuff began happening. Actually, he sent a bunch of parrots to rally us all together again, but we haven't seen him at all. We're all looking for him. And as for T.T., well, I've heard he went to judge competitions somewhere… something about a Jiggoseum or something…?"  
"It's probably too much to ask, but how's Pipsy?"  
"Pipsy? She's my girlfriend."  
_You stupid little…_ Conker felt hate, anger, and jealousy bubbling up within his heart, and he tried too hard to not show it. He twitched his tail, sighed loudly, and bit his lip.  
"Where… where is she?" _You stupid, low-down, no-good son of a…_  
"She's just in the other room, writing down something in her diary," Timber shrugged again. "She does that a lot recently."  
"I'll just go and chat with her for a while, then. I'm sure she missed me, heh…" Conker chuckled for a bit (even though Timber didn't appear to find it amusing at all) and pointed towards the door to the other room with his thumb and a quick nod.  
Timber said nothing. He had at once seen that Conker wasn't too happy with his relationship with her, for he remembered their rivalry all too well. Somewhere, he felt a little guilty to just say that they were dating like there's nothing to it, but didn't give it too much thought.

Conker knocked on the door, once. But when he got no reply after five seconds, he did it again. A clear, high-pitched feminine voice said; "come in!" and he opened the door slowly. It gave way with a loud creaking.  
Pipsy was sitting on the floor, on her knees, putting away a certain, precious little thing under her bed, and once she noticed Conker, she could not believe her eyes.  
It was him. It really was him. To finally see him again, after all these years, was too much for her. She cupped her mouth, eyes wide, and stared at him.  
"Uh… hiya," Conker began awkwardly, raising his hand in a little wave. "Missed me?"  
She was… different than he expected she'd be. Not tall and porn star-esque at all. In fact, he felt guilty for imagining that earlier in the first place. She seemed like the polar opposite of Berri – short, about as tall as he was himself, and perfectly innocent. But he liked seeing her like this anyway.  
"Your… your voice," Pipsy squeaked. She removed her hands from her face and Conker saw that she was smiling. She began crying as well – tears of happiness, as she got up and approached him. Without giving him time to reply, she threw her arms around him in a warm embrace.  
Conker had forgotten the last time anyone hugged him like that. Now it was his turn to cry tears of happiness. It was so well-meant, so… warm. Felt kinda good.  
"Puberty, eh," he muttered, but his voice gave out. Returning the embrace, he fluffed up his tail and smiled, rubbing his cheek against hers, as well as closing his eyes and sighing.  
She was still the same mouse she had always been. And for some reason, he thought she smelled wonderful. Like happiness. Like hot cocoa with marshmallows, whipped cream, and cinnamon on a cold winter's night. Different from Berri, who in his memory always smelled like latex and cheap, flowery perfume for some reason.  
But on the other side, Pipsy was concerned, despite her excitement on seeing him again. Conker did not smell like hot chocolate or marshmallows. He smelled like beer, alcohol – rancid and slightly bitter. Pulling back from the embrace, but still holding on to him, she looked him in the eyes, and could finally see how much he had changed. His bright blue eyes had a red tinge to them and bags under them. He was scruffy, worn-out, almost. His once-so-bright, orange-red pelt seemed so much less vibrant and the fur looked like it hadn't been brushed for days. Her brows furrowed, and she spoke with concern.  
"Conker…" she began, "You've… you've changed."  
He folded his ears back and rubbed his eyes. "Yes… yes, I did. I'm so sorry. It's a long story."  
"I'm sorry too."  
"Sorry for what?"  
"Er…" Pipsy adjusted the bright red bow on her head. "About me and Timber. I know I promised I'd wait for you, but you never came."  
That feeling of guilt hit Conker again, and he turned away his head. Both of them would probably feel equally as guilty for different reasons at this point.  
"I missed you so much. I never forgot you. And I… I'm sorry."  
"Aw… don't be sorry about that, Pips'," Conker mumbled, and looked her in the eyes again. "I'm just glad I'm here. Glad that you're here, too. I… I missed you."  
Silence fell between the two, and all they could do was look each other in the eyes and exchange tired, apologetic little smiles.  
It felt good. Conker would explain everything later on, but for now, just being with her was perfect. Her eyes sparkled as bright as they did on the day that they first met, and Conker had forgotten all about why he got here in the first place. He sighed dreamily, curling his tail around.  
"Y'know… we should –"  
Before he could finish his sentence, he heard a clatter outside, as if something heavy crashing against a tree, and Timber angrily yelling something. It sounded like he was giving someone a stern lecture shortly after that.  
"That'd probably be Bumper," Pipsy said, and quickly bolted out of her room. Conker followed, grumbling to himself. What terrible timing.  
It was indeed the badger, who was just in the progress of climbing up the ladder when the two arrived to the scene. Timber was still ranting.  
"I told you to not drive around the forest! And emphasis on the 'you'!"  
For such a stocky, strong-looking animal, Bumper shrunk down under Timber's glare. It was then when he noticed the newcomer, and immediately slipped away from his lecture to greet him.  
"'Sup, buddy!" he began. "Haven't seen ya in ages!"  
"Uh… yeah, hi there," Conker was a bit unsure about this. Bumper was always a reckless type, and he wasn't sure if he felt safe with such a troublemaker around in a house built on poles.  
"I dunno, I thought that if I snatched a bike I'd be around quicker, seeing as ol' Drumstick here," – he shot a glare at the rooster who was sitting on another chair opposite to Timber – "…thought it a good idea to _ditch_ me."  
"I didn't ditch you! You said you'd be fine!"  
"Guys!" Timber boomed as he got up from his chair in a mere instant. "If you don't quiet down this instant, I'll punt the both of you out of this treehouse. Keep it _down_!"  
Conker rolled his eyes. "Sheesh, mister bossy," he muttered. Pipsy had to stifle a giggle, but Conker wondered that if he acted like this towards the others, how would he act towards Pipsy…? He decided to not think about it.  
"You two know darn well that this is not the time for fooling around," the tiger continued. "It's dangerous out there, and we're still looking for Taj and Tooty."  
"Who's Tooty again?" Conker whispered at Pipsy.  
"Banjo's sister. You remember Banjo, right?"  
The red squirrel smirked, shaking his head. "Boy, do I…"  
Banjo was, aside from Pipsy, one of his best friends at the races all those years ago. He wasn't too bright, but he didn't mind Conker's attitude and was always up to listen to him, no matter what the story was this time. He also seemed like the only one that didn't grow bored at them. Conker had heard some stories of his previous adventures where he saved the entire island from being blown up, and noticed some merchandise of him and his bird friend in local stores – but he wasn't sure if Banjo would even be aware of it. He didn't seem to care much about such things back then, anyhow.  
Pipsy went up to Timber. "Um, Timber, honey…" she began (and Conker gagged a little,) "How about I go and look for Tooty? I'll try to see if I can find Banjo so I can tell it to him, since he's her brother, and all."  
Luckily, the tiger had calmed down by now. "Alright, go right ahead. Maybe take Conker with you, too. Else he's just gonna be sitting around, and that'd be kinda cruddy for him after he came all this way."  
"I was about to suggest that, actually," Conker said and grinned. "Well… see ya later, then."  
"Hang on," Timber said and went up to the squirrel. "No funny business, eh? She's my girlfriend."  
Conker said nothing. Instead, he just folded back his ears and glared at Timber, making an 'I'm watching you' gesture – pointing at his own eyes with two fingers and pointing them towards the other afterwards, twice – at him before he followed Pipsy out of the cabin.


	5. Conk-blocked

**4. Conk-blocked**

The climate was surprisingly mellow at this point at the island, though it almost seemed foreboding. The sun rays filtered through the leaves and speckled the ground and many plants with light. It gave the entire place an enchanted ambiance, like something from a fairy tale.  
"So… about Banjo, huh? Did he change a lot?"  
Conker was getting both a bit bored and exhausted. He wanted to chat with Pipsy, but right now, he was doing his best to keep up with her – she jumped and skipped over plants and logs like there was nothing to it and he couldn't keep up without gasping for breath. It was a bit silly, really – a squirrel unable to keep up with a mouse.  
"Not really," Pipsy finally said as she paused running for a moment to let her friend catch his breath (he also decided to sit down on a nearby log while panting vigorously, and swore he was alright.)  
She gave a small smile and went to sit down next to him. "You don't work out much, do you?"  
"I… don't," was all that Conker managed to bring out between gasps. "I'm… not much time… working out."  
Silence fell for a moment. Not an awkward one, just Pipsy allowing Conker to catch his breath. "Do you still climb trees?" she eventually asked.  
"Hah, I wish! …I probably could, but I don't feel much for it right now. Or anytime at all."  
The both of them fell silent once again. The distant sound of birds chirping sounded from various places high in the treetops. A chorus of songbirds accompanied by the steady drumming of woodpeckers. Felt nostalgic, somehow.  
"So, like…" Conker began, propping up his jacket. "You have any idea who's behind this?"  
"I think I do."  
"You do?"  
"Yeah. I don't dare tell anyone, though, 'cause they probably won't believe me."  
"Why wouldn't they believe you?"  
"I'm a bit of a dreamer," Pipsy said with a shrug and a smirk. "Plus, it sounds a bit unbelievable. Timber usually shrugs off whatever I tell him about. So I write things down in my diary."  
Conker was beginning to get curious. "What's it, then? I'd probably believe you. I've been through so much craziness myself, that everything else seems mundane in comparison."  
"You're the first, then," she laughed a bit. "No, but it was like this… guy. He wasn't too tall, seemed rather fat… and he looked a bit like you."  
_Looked a bit like me? This was gonna be interesting…_  
"Except, unlike you, he wasn't very nice at all. Tried to kidnap me. Sure he's behind Tooty's disappearance, too. He got closer, and I saw he got really ugly teeth and an enormous nose."  
"What'd you do?"  
"I sorta… punched him. On that big ol' nose of his. Think he got a nosebleed afterwards."  
"You…?" Conker was a little surprised. He didn't think that sweet, innocent Pipsy would be so good at defending herself at all. "Alright then… you probably don't need me hanging around with ya, either, then."  
"Oh no, it's not like that! I mean…" For a moment there, the young mouse wasn't sure what to say and she felt a warm, tingly feeling in her cheeks. She really did like his company. "I… I probably couldn't do it again."  
"Ohh," Conker cooed, a bit teasingly. "Do you maybe need, ah, say… someone to protect you?"  
He neared closer to her face with his own, giving her his most attractive bedroom eyes and a crooked smirk, but she just began giggling.  
"You silly squirrel," she said as she gave him a soft, playful punch to his side, her face turning red. "I already do! Timber's pretty protective over me, as he is over everyone else. We all look out for each other. I love these guys, can't imagine what I'd do without them."  
Conker shifted his gaze to the forest floor, only uttering a sullen-sounding "oh."  
"…Aw, don't be sad. We can still be friends, right?"  
"Yeah… friends…"  
Figures, he didn't really have any friends at this point. And yet… he felt sad. But he couldn't imagine just why. Conker, shallow as he was, usually only cared about looks, and Pipsy certainly wasn't very well-endowed at all, especially compared to… no. Don't think of her. Don't.  
Pipsy looked pretty cute and she had dazzling eyes, but that was all. Cute. Cute and two bright, shiny peepers.  
At this point, he couldn't imagine her allowing him doing much more than kissing.  
"Should we go and find Banjo, then?" Pipsy suggested.  
"I…" For the first time in a long time, Conker wasn't sure what to say. Truth is, he liked being around her. If he hadn't disappeared after the second time he went to this island to race, the two of them would probably have started dating once they got to the age where they'd do such stuff.  
Though he hated to admit it, she was everything Berri wasn't, even way back then. Only now did he realized how much he missed that – how much he missed both of them. But the difference was that one of the two was never coming back.  
He had to leave Timber's Island eventually, he had to leave Pipsy, too – and how can you fall in love with someone you can't see? His feelings for her could almost be considered a bit more than a crush, which he only realized when he saw her earlier this day.  
He thought that he should probably apologize again. And maybe suggest going somewhere romantic so they could talk a little more… maybe cuddle a little if she'd let him.  
But for some reason, he couldn't, and when he tried to say something, it was as if his throat locked up. _Where's those bloody confidence pills when ya need 'em…_  
"Hmm? What is it, Conker?"  
"I l—I still like you." _Heh._ _Guess I won't be needing those confidence pills after all. _  
Pipsy smiled, and leaned against her companion, wrapping her arms around him. "Aww, ain't you sweet!" she said. "Don't worry, I like you too. I like you a lot, actually. Always have, probably always will."  
Conker felt his heart skipping a beat and now it was his turn to blush. He twitched his tail, folded his ears back, and couldn't help but chuckle, all the while looking down at his lady friend with wide eyes. That's what he wanted to hear.  
"Seriously, though – I hoped with all my heart you'd return someday," Pipsy said, but she didn't pull back. "Timber's a nice guy, really. But everything he does, it seems… forced."  
"How do you mean?" Conker was determined to hear anything that concerned their awkward love triangle, and he was even more determined to get them out of it – and get her all for himself.  
"I dunno. He's a dependable guy, very brave and trustworthy, but when he acts all… lovey-dovey, it seems like he's trying too hard to be someone he's not."  
Conker frowned as he thought it through. He wasn't too sure what to make of that. And he wasn't sure where it was going, either.  
"I mean, just act real with me, okay? Just 'cause I'm little, cheerful and naïve, doesn't mean I'm an idiot."  
_Man, she definitely wasn't like Berri._ Conker wasn't sure if he was going to get closer to her than sitting on the same tree trunk today, or anytime at all. But then, she did say she liked him too, didn't she?  
Without thinking, he folded back his ears, leaned in a little, closed his eyes, and puckered his lips for as much as possible.  
But before Pipsy got the chance to say anything about it, a noise came from the bushes behind them, as if somebody trod on a twig. She turned around quickly and Conker snapped right out of his day dream. Was this bad timing thing gonna keep happening or what?  
It took him a bit to realize who that husky figure making way through the undergrowth was, but Pipsy seemed to recognize the fellow at once, and seemed overjoyed. She got up from the trunk and ran towards the newcomer, jumping at him in a playful tackle-hug.  
Conker, on the other hand, was not entirely sure what was happening. "Eh? What's…? Who's that?" Figures, in all those years, he had forgotten some less memorable people as well. Obviously, really.  
This other figure was a bulky crocodile-like guy wearing a biker vest. He looked stern, with a perpetual frown, and he was about twice the size of both Conker and Pipsy – in both length and width. Conker wasn't sure what to think of such a big reptile. But he smiled – a row of sharp, pearly white teeth appeared from behind those scaly lips. It seemed more like an evil grin than anything else.  
"Oi, I remember you!" His voice was rugged and loud. Conker unconsciously fluffed up his fur, staring at this guy wide-eyed. "You's that squirrely fellow… what's yer name again? Some nut or somethin'… Acorn? Chestnut?"  
"That's Conker, actually," Pipsy said. "And he's here to help us out. Just be nice to him, Krunch."  
"Ya sure? He seems like a bit of a sorry bunch…" Krunch went up to the squirrel and towered over him. Conker really resented the fact that nearly everyone seemed to have gotten growth spurts when he did not. "I remember ya lookin' much _more_, and much less… this."  
Conker shrugged, looking a bit pathetic. "Well, I'm sorry, but my life is a mess. It's quite a wonder I even managed to get here in the first place. I'd… rather not talk about it right now. Long story."  
Meanwhile, the squirrel was a little annoyed that he kept getting interrupted whenever he wanted to make a move on his childhood sweetheart. If only there was some way to ditch this guy…  
A small drop on his head made him look up.  
Rain. Small droplets fell down from the sky and created a cacophony of pattering as they landed on leaves high up above. Pipsy gave a little shriek and went up closer to Krunch.  
"Looks like rain, eh," the crocodile declared as he pointed his long snout up to the air, blinking into the rain.  
"But what about Banjo?" Pipsy wondered. "I think we really need to tell him."  
"Don't worry 'bout dat. Banjo will prob'bly get back to th' hideout as soon as he can since he likes rain as much as we do. We should be headin' back, too. Stick with me, Pips'."  
In silence, the two retraced their steps through the dense undergrowth, staying as close to each other as possible. Conker, on the other hand, felt more and more miserable by the minute, and the sudden change in weather didn't help anything to lighten his mood up. He slipped the hood on his jacket over his head in a futile attempt to shield himself from the rainfall that was becoming worse. He then meekly trailed behind the massive Krunch and the not-at-all-massive Pipsy without saying another word. He didn't dare to get any closer to the two, in fear of Krunch getting the wrong idea. The crocodilian seemed rather good friends with little Pipsy, and honestly, it was quite an endearing sight nonetheless. Conker just felt that he was getting the short end of the stick again, and he had a hunch that Krunch didn't like him. He never really did.  
His thoughts began to wander once again as soon as they had left the darkest pits of the woods.  
Banjo… would Banjo be the same Banjo he always knew?


End file.
